Persistent Obedience

I'm growing. I'm changing-everyday it seems like. I'm learning how marriage can show you every flaw that you have and then present you the opportunity to change and grow with your spouse, or reject the necessary changes and see your marriage fall to detriment. God is SO faithful, and has kept both of us in the first category by His grace alone. Gosh, I love him. And I love Kelsey more and more everyday.

Something that I didn't expect for marriage to do is illuminate my personal relationship with Jesus, and boy it has! My relationship with God is a long-standing one. We have history of long nights, risk and reward due to my obedience, Him using me to affect those around me, and our intimate times where I would sing and dance for Him. Sometimes, we would even dance together. I've experienced more recently the waves of passion as well as complacency in my relationship with Him, and if I'm being honest it's because I've taken my relationship for granted. I've become comfortable after almost 20 years with Him.

Amazingly, He's used my marriage to bring my heart back to Him, especially lately. This past semester did a great deal of damage to my pysche and confidence, and I know that He did it give me more time to see the great purpose that He's outlined for me. More than that, He's given me time to master the basics. Turns out, the prevailing issue for me right now is consistency and obedience. I have so much drive when my passion is amped up, but I have zero motivation when the high is over. Couple that with the mindset of "I don't have to do anything I don't really want to do" is a problematic life, and dangerous to any professional career that I'm meant to embark on.

So, God is taking me back to my roots in Him to remind me where I've come from. He once took me through a season where I didn't even eat until He told me to. And where He would give me instructions every hour on the hour as to what I was to do next. And being in tune with Him felt greater than I could ever describe. So now, it's time to go back. Back to worship in my room on the floor. Back to meditating on the Word and writing it down. Back to those small seeds that blossomed into the beautiful life that I have in Christ. Back to fasting and denying my flesh so my Spirit can live. I'm excited for our intimacy again. I'm excited to know that I'm doing exactly what He's telling me to do. I'm excited to be led by Him and not my feelings and emotions, no matter how easy that is to say and hard to do. I know I won't be perfect at it at first, but I'm all in! My goal is to be faithful in the all little things.

This post is one of the first acts of obedience and sacrifice of my flesh, as it's 1.30 AM and I want so desperately to cuddle with my sweet husband as he sleeps. Yet sure enough, the peace and grace that I feel writing this is like the feeling of coming home after a long time away. I recognize this feeling. I've missed this feeling. This is the beginning of God's will for my life.

Please keep me in your prayers!

With Love,

Ash