My Discontentment

Soo, I've always been an ambitious person. I like to take risks and aim high in life. I picked Winthrop because I was told it was the best teacher-education school in the state. I studied abroad in New Zealand because it was captivating and far away. I got married at 22 because I value my purity before God, I love my husband,....and because people seemed to believe that it really couldn't be done and end up successful. Maybe I like to do things that shock people. Maybe I want to inspire people to live beyond the status quo.

However, there are some problems associated with that type of personality. I love life SO much, that when I look for good, reputable and wholesome opportunities, I find more than I expect and end up wanting to do them all. Now if I'm honest, I'm still learning exactly what great things God has called me to. That's wonderful, except for the fact that God has called me to teach for a few years before getting to that amazing calling. I know that it's a necessary stepping stone to prepare me for all the amazing things to come, but to be honest, my last internship made me want to separate myself from the classroom. I'm still low-key trying to find ways to fulfill my commitment to the government/pay back my students loans without teaching. I know I need to let it go, but I found some pretty amazing things in my wayward search: City year, Americorps, and this REALLY amazing opportunity in Charlotte to be a National Teaching Fellow (I didn't even know that existed!).

And, I want to do them ALL.

But, they all require a move away from the place that Kelsey and I feel called to start our home/family in; the beauitful Clemson/Oconee county in upstate South Carolina. I think I have trouble with the thought of settling before knowing exactly where my passions lie because I know how easy it is to get stuck/comfortable with one setting, one lifestyle, one paycheck, and one set/group of people. And when we get comfortable, we stay put. I don't want to find myself staying put in a life that I'm not absolutely passionate about, but as always, the Holy Spirit brings me back.

Chill, daughter: you're exactly where I want you. Be faithful in the season I've called you to, and everything else will unfold. Be faithful to your husband, your family, your work, your church, and your own development. Most of all, be faithful to Me, for my amazing plans won't be altered by any mistake that you're fretting about. I got you, and that's all that matters.

But God, I really want a baby, but I have so many other things that I want to do! There's not enough time, there's so many goals to conquer!

I'll open your womb when it's time. Remember our deal: when I give you and Kelsey a baby, it's my perfect timing for you two; everything else in your life will fall in with My plan and the other things have to go.

And then I take a deep breath and remember to give my life and my cares back to God. His desire for me right now is to give my current assignment all that I've got, and to document my learnings as often as I can. Whew, life is so simplified when God is given permission to do what He does best; lead and love.

Thankful beyond measure!

Ash